Yep, I love to write.

Aloha Ya'll!

Since so many people read my blog and all... haha :P Church was so good today!! The speakers in sacrament meeting said so many things that I needed to hear. It's incredible how much more the words of the Lord can mean to you if you are sincerely seeking comfort in His words.

I love this song: Stand in Holy Places

in a sea of shifting values
tossed on every wave
while the winds wail around me
i will not be afraid
to call out for captain
to calm the waves in me
when i stand a little taller
it's only then i finally see
i stand in holy places
protected from the storm
anchored safe in harbor
though my sails are ripped and worn
i stand in holy places
and i will not move
until the captain comes and says well done
he is the hope i hold on to
in holy places

there is a harbor in his holy house
an anchor in his grace
that steadies in the waves of doubt
and in every holy place
no matter where i travel
his spirit's guiding me
with the lord as my captain
there is a peaceful port in me

It's incredible to me how a scripture can have infinite meanings depending on what the Spirit would have you learn from them. This one stuck out to me today in particular.

Mosiah 3:6
"And he shall cast out devils, or the evil spirits which dwell in the hearts of the children of men."

Before, this scripture would have little meaning to me other than the fact that it tells of Jesus' miraculous ability to cast devils from the children of men. Today, after all that I have been through the last few weeks, this scripture has new meaning to me. I have felt the power of His Atonement. I have been and still am feeling His immense love for me, for He has the power to cast the devils of selfishness and pride from my heart. He has the power to do that for me, for I cannot do it on my own. If I but ask for His help, and invite Him in to my heart, and allow His love to penetrate my heart, those devils which dwell in my heart will no longer have a place in my heart.

I have a new perspective on love as well. Love is not something happens to you, it is something that you learn, and it is something that you have to work for.

Blogging Kick!!

So it seems that I'm on some kind of blogging kick. Good thing? Perhaps... I tend to write a lot when I'm trying to figure something out in my life. Writing clears my mind, helps me to make sense of the jumbled thoughts racing through my crazy head of mine. It is also my creative outlet. When I've got more than enough emotion for myself, a creative outlet is necessary to let some of that emotion out via writing!

I'm so tired right now, and I should probably go through my nightly routines so I don't fall asleep before completing those necessary tasks. But my head, it doesn't want to stop. My mind doesn't want to rest. My mind doesn't care that my body is exhausted, that I can barely keep my eyes open, or that I keep sinking farther and farther into the comfort of my bed as I write. My mind wants to stay awake eternally until this puzzle we call life is organized somehow. If I had to compare this experience to doing a puzzle, I would say that at this point... I had a lot of pieces matched up and jigsawed together, only to realize that about 1% of them were actually where they belonged. So I have to completely take things apart and start over. I have to start completely restructuring my approach to this puzzle of LIFE. But this puzzle is HARD! This isn't one of those 1000 piece puzzles I can sit down with my mom and complete in a matter of hours. No, this puzzle is freaking hard. I mean, you can't actually ever complete this puzzle until you DIE. And even then, it doesn't mean that you even ever figured out how the pieces fit together. Does anyone ever really finish their puzzle? Is it even possible?

A Pivotal Point

I really feel like I'm going through a really important time in my life right now. Not like every other time isn't important, but this is a pivotal point in my life where I'm beginning to make a lot of changes in myself and I'm really struggling to find my way and to get things in order. It's strange how the Lord helps you get into these situations, these times in your life, these crises, if you will.

So I must be in my "I've made it to adulthood, so now what?" life crisis. To be completely immersed in this crisis and not drown is taking all that I have to give. Life is hard, and whoever thinks that someone has got it easy is sorely mistaken.

For so long I have been becoming this hard-hearted, cold, selfish person. It hasn't happened overnight, but I've been faintly aware of my transformation. And a series of events that have occurred recently have placed the ugly mirror of reality in front of me. Dating an amazing guy and watching myself sabotage our relationship when he did nothing wrong, going home and watching myself treat my family less than they deserve, and lastly being betrayed by people I thought were my friends.

Perhaps the hardest part about coming to this terrible realization is that there is no easy remedy. There is no prescriptive way to cure my pride, my selfishness, my bitterness. The tools I'm given to overcome are small in numbers, but I'm hoping that they will eventually lead me to the true happiness that I am seeking. The Atonement, my family, my friends.

I've found a reason for me....

"I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you"

Hoobastank- The Reason

I'm facing my fears.
I'm facing my anger.
I'm facing my responsibilities.
I'm taking action.
I'm doing all the things I've thought about doing but never had the guts.
I'm selling my car.
I'm paying off my debts.
I'm getting my own bank account.
I'm going to stop using my credit card.
I'm going to start paying all my own bills.
I'm going to finally be financially independent.
I'm going to move off campus.
I'm going to keep track of my own expenses.
I'm going to stop depending on boys for my emotional security.
I'm going to start having girls for friends instead of boys.
I'm going to cook for myself.
I'm going to let him go.
I'm going to be optimistic.
If he is worth it, if he is right for me, he will still love me when I get things sorted out.
If he doesn't still love me, someone else will appreciate my hard work.
I have a lot to work on.
Even if he isn't around to see me change, his love motivates me.
I've never loved someone the way I love him.
The simple thought of being with anyone else is despicable.
His patience, his tolerance of me....
I can learn to be that way too.
I would do all this just to keep him in my life.
Kissing and hugging and I love you's aside....
Just to have you in my life, I would be lucky.

All I can do is sit and think of you,
It seems that's all I'm good for since that day.
My poor friends have had patience with me,
talking endlessly in an attempt to sort out my feelings.
I still want you, and as much as I deny it, I need you in my life.
My whole world crumbles when you're not around.
You're the only the one that I want,
No one else makes me happy the way that you do....
I miss you terribly.

"What For" by Rooney

You wanted her and you got her
But you're still so careless with your words
If you let her go, she'll move on
Find someone, she's never coming back
How can you live with that?

Every Morning I Wake Up Sad, Thinking of You.

Every morning I wake up.
The stupid sun just won't give up.
It's risen again, bringing me to another day without you.
My dreams have left me behind.
The ones where your heart is truly mine.
Morning has come.
And my sadness still hasn't gone.
The thought of your love.
The thought of my heart aching.
The thought that it's over.
I truly loved you, I hope you know.
You had my heart in its entirety.
Which is more than any other man can say.
I really loved you, and you pulled away.
You hurt me when you run.
I don't need my heart tugged around.
To guard my wounded heart, I run too.
But you don't chase me.
Or accept me when I come running back to you.
That one, that one is your fault.
I may be miserable without you,
and you without me.
But if this is how you think it should be,
I can live with that.
But don't you dare come running back.
After you've denied me every opportunity.
To take back what I did or said.
Unless you are in it for the long haul,
I don't want you or your stupid love.
The love that I miss so much.
The love that causes that morning sadness.
Every morning I wake up sad,
Thinking of you.

aFewQuotes.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away. ~John Steinbeck

Maybe part of loving is learning to let go. ~From the television show The Wonder Years

Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it. ~J.K. Rowling

Yes, I will go. I would rather grieve over your absence than over you. ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Giving up doesn't always mean you are weak; sometimes it means that you are strong enough to let go. ~Author Unknown