I'm SOOO exhausted!!!
AND all I need to do to catch up is to SLEEP and be ALONE. I'm physically exhausted and socially exhausted and I need time to myself so badly!! BUT.... When I have the opportunity to be social, I take it! DESPITE the fact that I NEED to be alone to catch up!!
BAHHHH. Which is why I have short relationships, short friendships, and no constant group of friends to hang out with.
Because I am not constant!!
I starve for social interaction, so when I have the opportunity, I binge. And then I exhaust myself, and have to completely come back to myself, usually ending the friendship/relationship for good. My best friends are the ones that don't like me any less once I recuperate and return for more socializing.
I might look like a flake, or someone who can't make up their mind, or a "floater." And in many ways, those words do describe my behavior. But it isn't that I like you any less, because in most cases, that isn't true. But I have to know that I can pull into myself and that you'll still be there when I come back out-- without bitterness. You can miss me, and be glad when I return, but if you don't give me the space and allow me to regenerate my energy, you will find that I have a low tolerance for your inability to give me the space I need. I will let you expend my energy, but at that point is when I run away and lose interest in you. When I know that I can't take that time to regenerate without you thinking something is desperately wrong, that I hate you, or that something has changed.... that is when something will change and I will lose interest in you.
I'm such a complicated person.... my desires are so paradoxical. I wonder if I'll ever be able to explain myself in a comprehensible way. Is that even possible for anyone?
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