From Valentine's Day

What do I want? Do I want him? Do I want to be his world? It doesn’t feel right when I’m with him, that should be a warning sign. But do I want to throw away this opportunity? This is the last time he’ll let me do this to him. I don’t want to keep doing this to him, I really don’t. I thought I wouldn’t do it, but I can’t resist. Why? What is wrong with me? Yesterday at this time I would not have done this, why does 24 hours make such a difference to me? Why do I long for his touch, then cringe when he awards it? Why am I so backwards? Brother Biddulph told me to resist the urge to run away when it came. He told me to resist it. To resist getting weird. Am I even capable of that? Is there a better man out there for me? One who won’t make me cringe when he touches me? One who I won’t mind the world knowing that I love him…. And that he loves me? Would I feel like I settled if I go with him? There is something that I can’t let go of with him. In order to get me, to get all of me, you have to, HAVE TO, figure out how to get me to let go of whatever it is. I can’t do it on my own. He makes me hold on to it even harder. I don’t want to let go of it for him. Not for him. If he could only crack the code. But would I let him crack it? Maybe he’s already found the key, but there is more than just the key you need in order to get in. And he doesn’t have that something more. I fear that this is it. I cannot be with him. I cannot do it. I just can’t do it. Why not? Why can’t I just suck it up and do it? I think it’s because… I want him to be someone else. I want him to be different. I want something different. I don’t want him. Is that it? I wish I knew… if I struggle so much now, I would never be able to be with him, right? It’s been so long and I still can’t do it. And he can’t do it the way I want it. We’re both incapable of doing it someone else’s way. I need to prove to myself that I don’t need someone to be there. That I can be by myself and be content. Or do I need to prove it to everyone else? What is my problem? I can’t seem to figure it out!! I need to focus on school….